Reflections on an American classic

As an English teacher, one of the requirements of my job is to assign essays. The most recent was an in-class essay reflection on The Crucible. I can't help but get upset when I grade things like this, however, because it seems that somewhere down the line, elementary and middle school has failed. I get Juniors that can't write a coherent sentence, and I don't mean just one or two of them. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with a "sentence" like this:

Abbigail was my least favorite Because she thought that she was people only her signed but she was lieing the hole time that she did it so she the one I dont like the most time so that is the person I least like the most is Abbigail the dum one.

I can't honestly say I know what he's talking about. I know it's supposed to be telling me about why Abigail Williams is his least favorite character in The Crucible, but I'm not sure what that he really means. Of course, another student gave me some very prudent information about how the ending could have been made better:

Th were plenty of ways to avoid what happened in the end of the movie. One incedent is when the head of the court asked elizebeth Proctor what happend with abbigail and her husbaned. All she had to do is tell th truth about what had happend. THey the would have relized she was just a crazy hoe!.

You can't argue with his logic, perhaps, but you can most definitely laugh at his lack of a command of the English language. I also was unaware that Abigail was a garden tool.

One girl made a good recommendation about how to prove that Abigail was just acting and the girls were just following her.

A way they could have avoid the end of the play is to get Abby alone and put her on the spot. If the court people would've done that they would have seen that there was no evil things. Also, get all the girls by themselfs to show how they really are. or, the cour people could have done lie detectors.

I didn't know the Puritans had access to such technology! Actually, the problem is that somehow, despite the costuming in the movie and the fact that I said it took place in the 1860s a good half a dozen times, she thought these events took place in the 1950s. Of course, this was the same girl that thought I was serious when I said I was allergic to lies, which could explain a lot.

And some of them just...can't write. It's like there's some sort of disconnect between their brain and their hands. I mean, I almost thought this student was intelligent from talking to her. Then I got her first written assignment, and I was just baffled. What am I supposed to do to help a high school Junior that writes like this:

The movie made me feel like they was just hurting people for know reason. Abgail made me feel like she was try to blame everyone else and she would not to tell them she did it. It was dump because Abgail was trying to get out of it. why would they think people would do witch craft. Yes because he could have just confese of being a witch. Then his name just would have change. They would have probably for gave him. He wouldn't been hung.

Transitions? What transitions? Wouldn't want your readers to actually be able to follow along, would you? And just all the little things that make me both laugh and cry. Mostly laugh, but I think that's largely a defense mechanism so I don't try to gouge out my eyes with a spoon.

On the plus side, I'm done grading those essays. On the minus side, these are the same kids I have to somehow coax a 5 page research paper out of by the end of the semester...